How long has it been?

"How long has it been?" I was asked the other day. Caught off guard and torn away from my current train of thought, I replied, "How long since what?" After putting together the two factors of the inquisitive equation .. the face being made at my response and my rethinking of the question, I answered in the most vague and rhetorical of ways, "Too Long!"



What a very ambiguous question. How Long? How stupid! How long has it been? How long has it been since what? How long has it been since I had a good cup of coffee or a great bloody Mary? How long has it been since I went to work one day and did not screw up? How long has it been that I have thought of you not cried? These were the first initial questions rolling through my mind.. but I know the real question at hand. How long has it been since I have been with someone? Again, "too long" is the answer. Not so much the physical act.. but more of the idea. Having that someone near you, to reach out and comfort you at any moment, to glide their hand along your soft silhouette, to gently run their fingers through your hair... just enough to get it out of your face to pull in for a kiss. The gentle caress of hands around your face to draw you ever closer to their lips, all the while sending goose-bumps down your body. The feel of strong, muscular arms and shoulders to embrace you when need a rock to cry, a body to lean on or a friend to help you.



I started thinking to myself and questioned the idea of how long? How long since I have laid with another and felt at peace? Too long has it been that I have felt the heat of breath on the back of my neck, the press of warm flesh against mine, the ebb and flow of our collective breathing in perfect unison. The feeling of absolute comfort and safety mixed with excitement and wonder. How long will I wait to try and find that again?



I find my thoughts have taken me back to younger days when you are new to the feelings of love, lust and crushes... Eagerly awaiting that call, knowing that your cheeks turn crimson when you think of him/her.. The look of surprise when you open the door and they are there, whether you expect them or not. I look forward to these feelings...the butterfly farm in my stomach. When being near them makes your heart beat and palpitate so loud you know they have to hear it, if nothing else, feel it. I feel some days I will explode with anticipation.



But, how do I go about answering one stupid question when I cannot even muster the courage to reveal to anyone how I really feel. I live in my bubble of lies, my cocoon of non-truths, if I keep saying it .. then it will become true. And the truth shall set you free... But , the truth hurts and until I am ready to nurse new wounds, I shall keep a close eye on my current scars and only show you the parts I think you need to know.