Listening to "Slow Like Honey" by Fiona Apple - what a flashback this album creates.. woot.

Ugh.Know what happens when I get ready for work out of order? I forget to brush my teeth. >.< Good thing I keep all my toiletries at work, too.

Josh and I are going to be millionaires once we open the "Prissy Paws Pussy Parlor." Where the rich and annoyed can bring their cats to us and we pet them... lol

QOTN: Stupid slayer, you deserved to be raped by a vampire.

If Michael Bay directed a pirate movie it would resemble this. So many explosions.

^ thinks movie theaters should sell baby-smothering pillows. Or bad parent smothering pillows.

Dear Car Dealerships - I will not buy a car from you if your site keeps annoying me with stupid deals and drop down "live chat" boxes.

Finally, done with work. Grilling up pork chops and asparagus.

It's a great day to drive around and not work.

Sweet Beans!! Just met Gordie Howe.

For Sale - 2009 Honda Civic EX Coupe. Message me for details.

Autopen's are the devil and should not be allowed. I am looking at you @Obama and anyone else that uses them.

And on the flip side... Good on you @OldNavy. http://ping.fm/36uJe

So... Urban Outfitters is such a scum store. Way to steal the ideas of the independent artist. http://ping.fm/vBNO1

I hate scripted TV romance. Makes me have the sad. I'm looking at you @CougarTown.

Best advice I have read all day, "LESS COMPLAINING. MORE SEXY RUMPUS." ~ @Oatmeal

I hate that I lose my temper over such stupid shit. @UPS drop box says pick up at 4pm. I go down at 3:45, they have already come. WTF!? Then told that just means the latest they can come is 4. What a crock.

Call me old-fashioned but I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and women have the babies.

Hey Vegas. Go to @FirstFoodandBar and order the goat cheese souffle. It is the most amazing creation; makes your mouth do wonderful things.

QOTN: you need branch out and know more than what you learn from Seth MacFarlane.

Dude... I forgot how ridiculous Wet Hot American Summer really is... LOL

My thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery and clean up to all the residents of Joplin, MO. I hope those who lost a loved one can find some peace soon.

You'd think Alex was a ditch the way he was being dug tonight.

Great day on the boat... now to rest for a few minutes and head to Caesar's Palace (yes, the real one) and have a great night.

Yay... Going to see Absinthe tonight. Thanks, Penny!

I was so happy because I thought Hot Shots was on, but shame on you IonTV, it is stupid Top Gun.

I was so happy because I thought Hot Shots was on, but shame on you IonTV, it is stupid Top Gun.

I kinda was hoping for some kind of rapture. Maybe it would have opened up @AT&T network.

At the Mad Mud Run. Team Hot Mess in the dirt.

Ha ha.. If you search for Fred Astaire movies on Netflix, one of your choices is @BattlestarGalactica. @TheAaronDouglas

I am in the wrong business. Shipping is the racket to be in. @UPS thanks for ALL the little surcharges and fees for my overnight letter.

Dear Rum.... I love you. I regret finding you so late in life. <3 Jules

Who wants to come over and have some drinks and play Just Dance... Right Now?

Saw the screening for Jack & Jill, Adam Sandler's new movie.

Zachary Shea made all my Dr. Pepper dreams come true today. Thanks so much.

QOTD: Vaginal birth is for people who want to follow the rules.

QOTD: I have never met a cellist I would not have sex with.

I have a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's either impending doom or gas. Either way, no sir, I don't like it.

I have a terrible feeling in the pot of my stomach. It's either impending doom or gas. Either way, no sir, I don't like it.

I need a Jeanie in a bottle. My large format scanner is broken and I have metric fuck ton of 11x14 photos that need to be loaded. UGH.

I consider it a point of pride that I had to google the correct spelling of juggalo.

If anyone is near my office today, I would love a fountain Dr. Pepper..

Why the eff is a smog check required on a two year old car? I hate spending more money.

QOTN: I want to eat it while I'm on it.

Misses being a DINC (dual income no children). LOL

Do you ever just want to reply "WHO CARES" to most of your friends comments? No? Ok, just me...

Um, I really want the Lois and Bonnie Muppets from Family Guy. Anyone have a lead on where I can find them? @SethMacFarlane

Walking into the office I inhaled the smell of fresh cut grass. So many memories cut short by the rude assholes smoking in front of the door and then by the jerks that bathe in nasty-ass cologne that stunk up the elevator.

Woke up thinking it was Wednesday and was all =) then realized it was Tuesday, now I'm all >.<

I may never get home. Creepy McGee is boxing me in on the right and I'm behind SlowBoat McDaniel. Deep breath.

Ugly guys don't get the girl, even if they're devoted and awesome. That's just how it works, sorry. Thanks, Cracked

I just rediscovered my love of @FigNewtons cookies.

Everyone knows that revenge and calamari are best served cold.

It's time to reflect on my adequatevacity.

How is it that Hayden Christensen & Channing Tatum keep getting movie offers? I don't get Hollywood minds.

My family is the best ever. Your family may be good, but nowhere as awesome as mine.

"Sexual harassment is no joke, sweet-cans."

Cripes. Today is flying by and I'm so slammed.

Looks like my trip to New York is off. Stupid bad luck, bad driving and gubment.

Late night nachos and corn dogs. Yum

Rock N Roll GameShow at O'Shea's.

Rammstein. May 21

QOTN: "I'll punch a giant in the dick!"

Hey. What does it mean when you say "ridin' dirty"?

Danny Pintauro (Who's the Boss) is at the Clarion watching Cashetta.

Son of a crap! My head is killing me still.

Lock-N-Load Gun shop commercial airing during iCarly on Nickelodeon. Lol. Weird.

Anyone out there available to bring me some vegetable beef soup? I don't feel well and can't leave. =(

He says I have no sense of history? No sense of history? He wears a brown tie. Buffy

He says I have no sense of history? No sense of history? He wears a brown tie. P�Y��

Hoo doggy. I just caught me a tumbleweed under my car. Actually, was attacked by many of them while driving. Crazy.

^ is a planomaniac - I have an abnormal desire to wander and disobey social norms

Happy Mother's Day to the most amazing woman ever, Georgia Sparks. Thank you for every hug, kiss, shoulder to cry, wise words, soft looks and understanding. I am the blessed one in life thanks to you! I love you!

Now I have heard it all. Manny Pacquiao was in an accident on his way back from attending Mass at Mandalay Bay. Is there a Catholic church in a casino?

Now I have heard it all. Manny Pacquiao was injured on his way back from attending Mass at Mandalay Bay. Is there a Catholic church in a casino?

So... WICKED is coming to Henderson next week. Who wants to come with me? Tickets start at $10

Yay. New brakes. Watch out fools.

Save the Planet. Quit Breeding. Jukie for Prez 2012.

DUDE.. Adventures in Babysitting is on... I love random movies.

Dear Cripes.... there is something wrong with the "P" key on Mademoiselle Lappy...

^ really loves "Forensic Files".

First Friday. Have not been here in for-ev-or.

Quit trying to fluster me with your good looks. You're just creepy.

^ is a friend of those long-haired, hippie-type, pinko fags.

There is not much that frightens me. Farrah Fawcett's nipples are two of them. ka-zow

It's Cinco de Mayo and I won lunch at @Chipotle. Thank you for the great day, Greg!!!!

RIP iPhone #5... If you need me... message me here. bah. On another note, anyone have a phone for sale?

QOTN: I'm not self-centered, I'm just preoccupied with myself."

OH to the NOES. I just saw a pic of Larry the Cable Guy in a diaper. It is TRUE - there are things you can't un-see. Eye bleach, please.

So @DHL is not very environmentally conscious. Lots of extra supplies & called to see if they would take them back & told to discard them.

DAMN IT... quit scaring me Nancy Pelosi.

Good Morning. May the 4th be with you today.

So, thanks to the Flake-O-Matics in this town my plans are canceled. What are the haps tonight? Anyone?

There was an unidentified noise this morning. It was Kurt Cobain reloading his shotgun when he found out Miley Cyrus covered "Smells Like Teen Spirit".

"If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance." Today is going to be a great day!

. Possibly call people horrid names so I feel better about myself

I am not made to be the bigger/better person. My personality disagrees with this way of thinking. I really just want to throw a quick tantrum and move on

. Possibly call people horrid names so I feel better about myself

I am not made to be the bigger/better person. My personality disagrees with this way of thinking. I really just want to throw a quick tantrum and move on

What's for lunch? I forgot mine. :(

So.. I already need a nap. This getting up at 6 am and being functional AND professional by 7 is for the birds. PS - no more @DrPepper at 10 pm.

Meanwhile, At the Regional Justice Center...

Sources say the following was overhead by Taliban spokesperson, "We told him @FourSquare was a baaaaaad idea."

Gaddafi's Son. Bin Laden. Who's next?

Crazy day indeed. I hope and wish and pray all our brave men and women get to come home!

Hmm... One source says he died peacefully from lung disease and another says we killed him in a strike. Which is it? WTF get your stories straight.

Hmmm... Bin Laden is dead. What is next?