How is it that so many people can make it in marketing with such atrocious spelling and grammar skills?

I feel guilty when I think some of my "friends" are fucking stupid and need to slapped... in the face... with a robotic arm.

I may be picky, tis why I'm single. But when I reference Tony Stark & you say "who is that" it's justifiable grounds to never see you again.

Ha ha ha.. I am addicted to this site. It creates a tweet for you based on prior updates.
http://ping.fm/CXcbp

You like beer... you love hoppy beer? Head to Big Dog's brewery today for Peace, Love and Hoppy-Ness beer and music fest. http://ping.fm/3oc4k

Thinking of a short trip to Lake Las Vegas. Anyone want to join me for lunch?

Rarely do I need coffee at 11, but I am dragging...

Ok. My creepometer is officially broken so I'm no longer allowed to trust my instincts. Keep moving asshats & find another rube, Jukie Out!

I am having Ron Weasley style "freakouts" thinking spiders are crawling on me. It is my stupid hair every time... so heebie jeebie

Yay.. power outage in the office. I think it is time to move outta here.

Does anyone have a DOCSIS 3.0 cable modem I can use to test my Cox connection before I go buy one?

I'm doing a quick poll of Cox internet users in Las Vegas. Do a quick speedtest and let me know your upload results. www.speedtest.net

What an amazingly crazy weekend. I am ready to relax and reflect.

RIP cell phone Baby Jessica. This degenerate mother dropped you one too many times and now I am unable to text for fear of slicing my hand.

If you ever need anything, please don't hesitate to ask someone else first. I'm too busy acting like I'm not naive.

I need 2-3 volunteers for the Festival of Beers this Saturday at Tivoli Village? No flakes. I will pass on your name and number.

Special things to give your lady: flowers, chocolates, promises you don't intend to keep. Cogsworth is a genius.

My home is haunted. Every time I open the refrigerator door the light comes on, and every time I go to the bathroom, the phone rings...

Thank you, @BearMcCreary. My day is much better having heard "Let's Just Pretend". Listen here: http://ping.fm/evpXG

Ever had a memory that sneaks out of your eye and roll down your cheek?

Not sure what is says about me that my soundtrack today has been: Sawyer Brown, George Jones, John Prine, Marty Robbins, and Johnny Horton.

I now own my very own house pirate... He is arrrrrr-some.

So stoked. Taking my mom to see @AmySchumer at the Riviera.

Hey, hey, stop fucking with Korean Jesus. He's busy. With Korean shit.

Who would be in favor of S.H.I.E.L.D. replacing the Department of Homeland Security? They're both works of fiction on paper. Your thoughts?

Life is too far to walk alone, you can’t do it on your own. It’s like bare hands digging through stone. ~ Marc Scibilia

I feel sorry for Tony Stark's neighbors. If a nuclear attack happens, they will probably think, "Eh, sounds like Tony is having a party."

SWF ISO a dreamy, burly Irish man or a brawny, hunky Scot. Preferably still in their home country. Only serious inquiries need apply!

The hardest thing in the world is to watch the one you love, love another. AND pretend to be happy when they are around. ACK! So glad I can keep my distance.

How many girls bake chocolate chip cookies in a Hulk apron while watch The Empire Strikes Back? Still wondering why I am single... ;)

Glad I can stay in bed for a few hours; At the Circus and The Great Race are both on TCM.

QOTN 2: "you can pinpoint the exact moment the herpes hit the window."

QOTN 1: "Hernias do not come out of your pee hole!"