"COMMIT to the take down." My new motto.

Awesome or creepy? I got a tweet from a goat off the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad coaster. Lol.

Your life is an occasion... RISE to it!

I'll be everything that I wanna be, I am confidence in insecurity, I am a voice yet waiting to be heard...

Why are the things I want always out of reach?

What a windy drive home. I need a nap. Also, I need some blister care tips. Ouch... my poor toe.

Ha ha. The lights are on in the stripper bus and we saw full on frontal while on the 5. LOL.

Such a great day. Thanks, Holly for being my ultimate Disney tour guide. Time for sleep and a long drive to Vegas.

QOTN: it's hard to maintain red lips at Disney.

Ugh. I think someone poo'd their pants in line. Grosser still, there are no kids in sight. Puke.

Its so much fun, I think I'm gonna die.

The crazy haunts (all 999) are up to no good. Been stuck on the Haunted Mansion ride. I am kindly sitting in my DOOM-buggy.

Oh yeah. You may want to block me on your feed today. As I am crazy with the updates. Xoxo Jukie out.

Space Mountain denied. Fast Pass at 4. Yikes.

California Adventure done in record time. No lines. No wait. Now on to Disney. This is good living.

Up. Dressed. Anxiously awaiting my ride.

Also, I learned tonight that in China, there are human turds everywhere.

David Sedaris never fails to impress me.

So, yeah, just met James Spader. Awesome.

It really does take two to make a thing go right. Well played, Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock, well played.

Baker in 30 minutes... Who wants to guess the temp?

Finally on my. LA get ready. Jukie is taking over

In a few hours my mini "Double D" vacation starts. @DavidSedaris at UCLA on Wednesday then @Disneyland on Thursday.. So excited!!!

QOTN: "Let me nerd out on sodomy rules."

I love Roger... If it's wrong to want to be a gray, bloated, effeminate, psycho Alien - I don't want to be right.

Holy Feck Balls... There has to be a better way to ship international other than @FedEx, @UPS or @DHL... I hate them all...

I need to kick Mother Nature in the face with my energy legs and tell her to "FUCK OFF with this wind." I can't breathe and I am sneezing enough my eyes are popping out again.

Such a great and restful weekend. Thank you everyone for being in my life and reminding me how amazing it really is to be loved.

GodSpell is on and it holds a special place in my heart. My first college show with a feature solo... One of my favorite shows ever to perform.

Creepy commercial of the day. Some guy saying "I'm hitching a ride to chocolate town." no idea what was being sold.

In honor of the day, I am feeling quite forgiving and am thinking of giving some of you a second chance.

The only way to keep Zombie Jesus away from your brains is to hunt eggs and eat chocolate. Too bad the fine print states that only rabbit eggs are accepted.

I love Mary Poppins.... Think I will make a chocolate cake for today's festivities.

Just got this email from someone wanting me to add their FB page:
oilbirds flippin over the gate, cause you can`t wait
ant apology i see that liquorice all over your face

Watching Goonies and making pasta sauce. Perfect Saturday.

BB: Hey Alec, you know what sucks about being a Baldwin?
AB: No, what?
BB: Nothing!

So weird. I'm eating a saltine but I smell and taste bananas. Am I stroking out? Lol

In observance of Earth Day and Good Friday, my freak flag is flying at half mast.

In observance of Earth Day and Good Friday, my freak flag is at half mast.

Sooper Dooper fun time last night. Aieeey.

Heading to insert coins now.

Ha ha. The 51's are having Pearl Necklace night.

It is official - April 21 will now be NATIONAL "Buy A Ginger A Beer" DAY! We need to celebrate our love of fire crotch!

Please direct all future correspondence to Ms. Chanandler Bong.

SWF ISO someone that makes me weak in the knees, causes a lump in my throat when I try to speak and takes my breath away by your touch.

Dear Stoopid Female Drivers... Mirrors are in your bathroom so you can do your makeup there...safely... NOT in your god damned car while I am trying to get to work... Safely. Please stop being inconsiderate fucktards. Thank you. Jukie

This morning is close to perfect. At least from where I am.

QOTN: You're a classy lady, Jules Sparks.

It's barely Spring but feels like Summer. I love it.

I love that I can sleep with my windows open but hate when the asshat in his old truck pollutes my breathing air with his nasty old exhaust.

My weirdo cat, Crash, is sticking her head in my Converse, then biting the strings and running around my bedroom. Mildly retarded - extremely entertaining.

When watching Ghost Whisperer, I always lose it when the dearly departed touches their loved one's cheek or hand and they feel "their presence". One more reason being a girl sucks.

I need some aloe lotion and someone to put it on my shoulders where I can't reach. Woe is my stupidity.

What's a magicians best friend?
A drunk audience. Lol

PSA - when out in the sun, ask for help when applying sunscreen so you don't end up with unsightly finger "wings" of burnt skin.

Hey Vegas. If you are going to Lake Mead AVOID boulder city. I've gone 11 miles in 47 minutes.

I'm on a boat... I got my flippie floppies and SPF "I'm in heaven".

QOTN: "I need you to start an employment agency where people pay me to treat them like shit."

QOTN "it's really hard to walk with this lesbian wig in my pocket!"

Save the Date - August 6th. Details to come.

Ha ha.... best wrong number call ever.. Him - "Hey. It's Bryan." me - "Bryan who". Him - "well, it's either Asian Bryan or big, black Bryan. Which do you think?" Me - "I think you have the wrong number." Him - "This ain't Lindsay?" ...click

Hey Vegas Peeps... what the hell is on fire next to Sam Boyd Stadium? The black smoke is too close for my comfort.

Shorts and lake weather. So happy this weekend.

I saw Scream 4 last night and enjoyed it way more than I probably should have. A very enjoyable slasher/comedy/thrill ride. PLUS, I was pleasantly surprised.

Holy wow. What a freaking eventful night. Hypnotists. Scream 4. & Canadians. OH MY!!!!

Odd. I swear I just saw Tim Burton driving a Hyundai down Sahara.

I am going to die of alcohol poisoning. None of this cancer or heart attack shit getting me down. Going on my own terms with a little paper umbrella and a cabana boy - the way it should be. Just one more reason to plan your future folks. ;)

Going to see David Copperfield tonight... Squeal. Thanks Chris K!!!

I'm just a ruhtard with a checking account. I'm loved.

...and in other news: Iceland's Penis Museum finally gets a human specimen. That's a-mazing.

I'm a catch. What more can you ask for? Great kisser and can snap your arm like a twig if needed. Just saying.

Seems rike no one takes me serirousry, And so, I'm ronery. A rittle ronery, Poor rittle me. Kim Jong Il

What does it all mean?

Sometimes I feel like I have no purpose. Like I am only here to take up space, get drunk, say something funny and make other people feel better. Aside from the pity-party nature this post seems to come from, I genuinely want to know.

If you know... please don't bogart the answer.

There are few times that I wish I could trade places with someone, but today is one. To take away a friend's pain for just a moment is a wish I would like granted.

Made red peppers stuffed with brown rice, asparagus sauteed with shallots and garlic then topped with fresh Romano cheese and baked.

I am not in the business of benefiting hussies...

If Metro would pull over and ticket all the assholes that throw cigarettes out of their windows, we would not have a budget shortfall.

I am watching "Death Becomes Them" a musical documentary about the Hollywood Death Museum. Singing rat puppets... best.thing.ever!

"did you just lick your shoe?" QOTD

Who puts a goldfish in the garbage disposal?

Jukie out... I am off to stuff myself with delicious bbq meats, laugh with friends and drink with family! Nothing gonna bring me down!

Family BBQ today... can't wait to see everyone.

"I'm not educated but I am a lot of fun!" ~ new motto

I just scored a 175 on an online IQ text!!!!! 4 Simple questions! 1. Mother's maiden name. 2. Date of birth. 3. Social security number. 4. Bank routing number. Woo hoo!!!

So. Yeah, it's snowing.. In Vegas... In April. #endofdays

Crappy weather for Pet-A-Palooza... But great weather for food and fun at the Rogers' house!

Ok... so my phone is fully charged yet it keeps turning itself off... I am not ignoring anyone's texts or calls... FYI...

NY or SF? Wish I could go to both.

Has anyone ever died from a sneezing fit? I think I may be that person. Damn these allergies... I may die... le sigh

Nothing is as liberating as sending the following text: "Do me a favor and delete my number and forget you ever knew me." Poisonous life-ruiners are gone... Beware

It's been scientifically proven that most any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches - it doesn't matter if it is Visa or Mastercard... Lmao

What a beautiful morning. I love the overcast sky and the sounds of the birds singing in the courtyard at work.

My chest feels like I slept with a blanket of rocks.

Finally watched Bucket List. Well played Jack & Morgan.

Found out today that one of my customers passed away. So sad. He was one of the good ones. If you can read this, I love you all!

Hey.. Texas De Brazil is offering their VIP dining cards again. $60 gets you 12 meals at 50% off. It was a superb deal last year - remember?

Ha ha ha! After everything I did today, I slipped and pulled my hamstring - in the shower. I need to laugh through the pain. I AM a tragedy.

I have to say... today was next to perfect. Not possible without all those who shared it with me.

Today is going to be great. Breakfast, then off to see The Jersey Boys and then wrap it up with night volleyball...

TP-O-Line. Coming soon to a store near you.

Was just asked if I've ever had vagenital bursts. I think she meant vaginal birth. The guys think it's vaginal burps.

Anyone have 2 tickets for UNLVino?

The best X-Files episodes are: Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space', X-Cops, Leonard Betts (cancer eater) & Humbug (with Jim Rose)

Ok... the wheels are in motion and I am officially moving to Boulder, CO...