I woke up this morning thinking of you? Wondering why and when... how and what? Curious if you think the same thoughts? And if so, would you ever tell me? Knowing I long to tell you, but you know me well enough to know I never will.
Why can't you just read my mind? Why can't it just be? No words, no pain, no lies, no wrongs - all rights! The perfect look, the perfect gesture, the never-ending series of perfectly gentle, sweet-tasting kisses all over my body.
I want them again and if not from you, which will never happen, then from the one that knows me and knows what to do.
I will be here, waiting, wishing, longing... trying to muster the courage to tell you where "here" is!
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
How long has it been?
"How long has it been?" I was asked the other day. Caught off guard and torn away from my current train of thought, I replied, "How long since what?" After putting together the two factors of the inquisitive equation .. the face being made at my response and my rethinking of the question, I answered in the most vague and rhetorical of ways, "Too Long!"
What a very ambiguous question. How Long? How stupid! How long has it been? How long has it been since what? How long has it been since I had a good cup of coffee or a great bloody Mary? How long has it been since I went to work one day and did not screw up? How long has it been that I have thought of you not cried? These were the first initial questions rolling through my mind.. but I know the real question at hand. How long has it been since I have been with someone? Again, "too long" is the answer. Not so much the physical act.. but more of the idea. Having that someone near you, to reach out and comfort you at any moment, to glide their hand along your soft silhouette, to gently run their fingers through your hair... just enough to get it out of your face to pull in for a kiss. The gentle caress of hands around your face to draw you ever closer to their lips, all the while sending goose-bumps down your body. The feel of strong, muscular arms and shoulders to embrace you when need a rock to cry, a body to lean on or a friend to help you.
I started thinking to myself and questioned the idea of how long? How long since I have laid with another and felt at peace? Too long has it been that I have felt the heat of breath on the back of my neck, the press of warm flesh against mine, the ebb and flow of our collective breathing in perfect unison. The feeling of absolute comfort and safety mixed with excitement and wonder. How long will I wait to try and find that again?
I find my thoughts have taken me back to younger days when you are new to the feelings of love, lust and crushes... Eagerly awaiting that call, knowing that your cheeks turn crimson when you think of him/her.. The look of surprise when you open the door and they are there, whether you expect them or not. I look forward to these feelings...the butterfly farm in my stomach. When being near them makes your heart beat and palpitate so loud you know they have to hear it, if nothing else, feel it. I feel some days I will explode with anticipation.
But, how do I go about answering one stupid question when I cannot even muster the courage to reveal to anyone how I really feel. I live in my bubble of lies, my cocoon of non-truths, if I keep saying it .. then it will become true. And the truth shall set you free... But , the truth hurts and until I am ready to nurse new wounds, I shall keep a close eye on my current scars and only show you the parts I think you need to know.
What a very ambiguous question. How Long? How stupid! How long has it been? How long has it been since what? How long has it been since I had a good cup of coffee or a great bloody Mary? How long has it been since I went to work one day and did not screw up? How long has it been that I have thought of you not cried? These were the first initial questions rolling through my mind.. but I know the real question at hand. How long has it been since I have been with someone? Again, "too long" is the answer. Not so much the physical act.. but more of the idea. Having that someone near you, to reach out and comfort you at any moment, to glide their hand along your soft silhouette, to gently run their fingers through your hair... just enough to get it out of your face to pull in for a kiss. The gentle caress of hands around your face to draw you ever closer to their lips, all the while sending goose-bumps down your body. The feel of strong, muscular arms and shoulders to embrace you when need a rock to cry, a body to lean on or a friend to help you.
I started thinking to myself and questioned the idea of how long? How long since I have laid with another and felt at peace? Too long has it been that I have felt the heat of breath on the back of my neck, the press of warm flesh against mine, the ebb and flow of our collective breathing in perfect unison. The feeling of absolute comfort and safety mixed with excitement and wonder. How long will I wait to try and find that again?
I find my thoughts have taken me back to younger days when you are new to the feelings of love, lust and crushes... Eagerly awaiting that call, knowing that your cheeks turn crimson when you think of him/her.. The look of surprise when you open the door and they are there, whether you expect them or not. I look forward to these feelings...the butterfly farm in my stomach. When being near them makes your heart beat and palpitate so loud you know they have to hear it, if nothing else, feel it. I feel some days I will explode with anticipation.
But, how do I go about answering one stupid question when I cannot even muster the courage to reveal to anyone how I really feel. I live in my bubble of lies, my cocoon of non-truths, if I keep saying it .. then it will become true. And the truth shall set you free... But , the truth hurts and until I am ready to nurse new wounds, I shall keep a close eye on my current scars and only show you the parts I think you need to know.
Rain, Tapas, Love and laughter
I was having a conversation the other day with a friend and the subject of rain came about. Probably because it was raining in their particular part of the country so of course it came up... but I digress...
So, I had the instant imagery of a huge covered front porch, sitting on a blanket (and under one as well), eating & feeding each other tapas and laughing. Hot mulled wine and Sangria being sipped to awaken our tastebuds and thusly cause us to look up and catch each other's eyes and smile broadly. Regaling the other with stories of our childhood and misguided years. Getting drunk off the laughter of our youthful stupidity.
Finished with our apertif's, I lay my head in your lap and we talk for hours and then there it is... the look. The one look that melts my heart and causes all the barriers to fall... the look of "I see through your thorny exterior and know you want to feel again to allow yourself the ability to take the risk on love". Who knew something so simple could make me realize that what I wanted but was too afraid to admit is just to love and be loved in return.
What is that look you may be wondering? What is the simple gesture that can make me weak in the knees and set my heart free... well, if I just told you how much fun can that be? One person has been able to do it... but I did not let on...
Not yet.
Not now...
I am not ready for that, but I want to be.
So, I had the instant imagery of a huge covered front porch, sitting on a blanket (and under one as well), eating & feeding each other tapas and laughing. Hot mulled wine and Sangria being sipped to awaken our tastebuds and thusly cause us to look up and catch each other's eyes and smile broadly. Regaling the other with stories of our childhood and misguided years. Getting drunk off the laughter of our youthful stupidity.
Finished with our apertif's, I lay my head in your lap and we talk for hours and then there it is... the look. The one look that melts my heart and causes all the barriers to fall... the look of "I see through your thorny exterior and know you want to feel again to allow yourself the ability to take the risk on love". Who knew something so simple could make me realize that what I wanted but was too afraid to admit is just to love and be loved in return.
What is that look you may be wondering? What is the simple gesture that can make me weak in the knees and set my heart free... well, if I just told you how much fun can that be? One person has been able to do it... but I did not let on...
Not yet.
Not now...
I am not ready for that, but I want to be.
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