How long has it been?

"How long has it been?" I was asked the other day. Caught off guard and torn away from my current train of thought, I replied, "How long since what?" After putting together the two factors of the inquisitive equation .. the face being made at my response and my rethinking of the question, I answered in the most vague and rhetorical of ways, "Too Long!"



What a very ambiguous question. How Long? How stupid! How long has it been? How long has it been since what? How long has it been since I had a good cup of coffee or a great bloody Mary? How long has it been since I went to work one day and did not screw up? How long has it been that I have thought of you not cried? These were the first initial questions rolling through my mind.. but I know the real question at hand. How long has it been since I have been with someone? Again, "too long" is the answer. Not so much the physical act.. but more of the idea. Having that someone near you, to reach out and comfort you at any moment, to glide their hand along your soft silhouette, to gently run their fingers through your hair... just enough to get it out of your face to pull in for a kiss. The gentle caress of hands around your face to draw you ever closer to their lips, all the while sending goose-bumps down your body. The feel of strong, muscular arms and shoulders to embrace you when need a rock to cry, a body to lean on or a friend to help you.



I started thinking to myself and questioned the idea of how long? How long since I have laid with another and felt at peace? Too long has it been that I have felt the heat of breath on the back of my neck, the press of warm flesh against mine, the ebb and flow of our collective breathing in perfect unison. The feeling of absolute comfort and safety mixed with excitement and wonder. How long will I wait to try and find that again?



I find my thoughts have taken me back to younger days when you are new to the feelings of love, lust and crushes... Eagerly awaiting that call, knowing that your cheeks turn crimson when you think of him/her.. The look of surprise when you open the door and they are there, whether you expect them or not. I look forward to these feelings...the butterfly farm in my stomach. When being near them makes your heart beat and palpitate so loud you know they have to hear it, if nothing else, feel it. I feel some days I will explode with anticipation.



But, how do I go about answering one stupid question when I cannot even muster the courage to reveal to anyone how I really feel. I live in my bubble of lies, my cocoon of non-truths, if I keep saying it .. then it will become true. And the truth shall set you free... But , the truth hurts and until I am ready to nurse new wounds, I shall keep a close eye on my current scars and only show you the parts I think you need to know.

I.21 Gigawatts of Love

Airplanes! What can I say. We all share the same love/hate relationship with these magnificent metal marvels. We trade the convenience of going from one coast to the other in less than six hours for long lines, gate changes, screaming children and even longer waits. BUT once we get past our cattle call shuffle through the allotted security checkpoint and we are sufficiently deemed as being Alert Level clear, we make way to our assigned gates (do not get comfortable, it will change at least three times). Once there, we sit and wait... and wait... and wait. Those of us lucky enough to be tied down and become slaves of technology will clamor to the few free outlets and chain ourselves to the wall and refuse to give up this prime real estate no matter what. "I can hold it.. just one more hour and I am on the plane, I am sure my bladder will be fine."



We are the few, the proud, the hip. Downloading music from the iTunes store for our iPods using various airport's free and not-so-free WiFi, watching movies, chatting about and doing anything in our power to avoid all human contact. Contact through the almighty interwebnet is just fine, because you still have the filter of prepaid firewall. And, as I was told recently, this type of rejection is much easier than being judged and turned away in person.



Is it really any different? Isn't rejection the same no matter the format? No matter the situation? Rejection is rejection is rejection. Sorry folks that is the cold hard truth. I have been there, you have been there, in fact, we met there for coffee once. It sucked, but we got over it. I know we are all afraid of putting ourselves out there to be stepped on, trampled, pushed down and even spit on. But if you did not, would you have had that great first kiss? That spectacular feeling of knowing that you took the leap and you were rewarded. How often we let fear overwhelm us and consume our thoughts and actions. We need to overcome this stigma that we are vulnerable all the time. No one wants to admit it, I know I don..t and I never will (what you are reading is the insane ramblings of a tired holiday traveler .. pay no attention to the twit behind the Mac Book).



I digress.. I am on my flight home from Boston (thank god) and I am watching the 36 channels of free DirecTv. Channel 1- nothing, channel 4...nothing, channel 36... nothing. Finally, channel 17, lovely channel 17 is showing Back to the Future III ... the Conclusion. Don't get me wrong, of all movie trilogies B to the F is one of my favorites, but this time I saw it in a way I never had before. The story is the same from one and two, go back in time, something goes wrong, madness occurs, the Delorean swoops down saves the day. Or go forward in time, insert comical, yet far-fetched scenario (including M.J. Fox as a girl), zaniness ensues, hover board comes to the rescue. BUT number three.. has all the aforementioned elements plus the added attraction of seeing Doc Brown wield a shotgun with superior ease and grace. Half watching and half wishing I could just fall asleep and wake up in Vegas, I am following the back story. Doc falling in love. Yes, more crap about love for those of you masochistic enough to be reading my blogs lately. Doc meets girl (girl about to go over a ravine, they never did touch on the trauma issues of her falling in love), doc woos girl, doc must confess to girl he is from the future and must leave in his flying car. But, in this short amount of time they have managed to fall in love. Completely. No questions asked. No tests, no quizzes, no instant messages, no quickmatching... No online dating. They met in person, he took the risk, he lost. Then she realized the truth and he won in the end. Now being a man of science, love at first sight is "heavy" and just not in the cards for the unkempt man of logic.



He was wrong. Love conquers all and not even 1.21 gigawatts can keep Doc Emmett "Great Scott" Brown from getting the girl.