You better watch out... those Chicago Ghetto Monkeys are the most vicious of the primates.

If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to ask someone else first.

Sorry I missed Church today. I was busy being sexually promiscuous and practicing witchcraft.

I should not say such things

Why do all the cutie patootie gentlemen live so far away?

I'm so honored to be sitting next to "Anal Probe Girl" at the show. You know her as Jill.

No whammies.

I need to inspire a new Federal Holiday. Any suggestions?

Thank goodness for BlueTooth ability again! Stupid @iphone & @Apple for not allowing that feature. Love you @HTC!

At the Hoover Dam. Great weather to be a tourist

Driving during the day fills me with rage against taxi drivers.

After the Show. Woot!

Watching "Return to Oz"! I am creepy awesome.

My day is over. Going to snuggle with my lil fur babies and watch "The Women" (1939).

Hey world. I've no phone today so email or Facebook me.

Gettin' all dolled up to see the Cosmopolitan tonight and party like, well, like me. I raise the bar on having fun.

I believe you are the perfect prop to occupy my time.

Thinks you are shallow and pedantic. Not to mention repetitive & redundant.

Calling All Cars! Calling All Cars! Who has Showtime on Demand that I can watch Dexter Season 5? Please no spoilers.. thanks!

My "personalized" ads for the day: Sherlock Holmes Game; Shoes; Mercedes Benz & Honest Christians Needed! ha ha ha... One of these things doesn't go with the others...

I truly love Judy Holliday. She made the best comedies... back when movies were a thing of pride and originality.

I am now iPhone free.... I have broke free from the shackles of the apple.

QOTM: Ah. She's a special kind of cunt.

Pins & needles. Pins & needles. Right foot only. Ow ow ow.

QOTN: Its all fun and games until you get stabbed in the ass.

QOTN: There is a difference between sulfates and babies.

Rock Band. Blackberry Witbier. Star Wars debates. Nerd-tastic night with great friends.

"Shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more and then when everybody's dead try to ask a question or two".

Woo to the hoo. Another research test subject today. This time: tax prep.

Asian vampires are not very believable.

Change bad...fire good.

I will not peddle flesh, I'm a physician. Dr. McCoy

QOTN: I'm like 8 hours away from being a lesbian.

Ha ha. Massive Head Wound Harry!!!

The end is near. A WOMAN in my office building wore her pajama jeans to work with hooker heels

Jules Sparks and Julie Trygar are like the Wikipedia of Perv!

It is bitterly cold out today.

I think I will change my name to Jules 'The Thread Killer' Sparks.

I was led astray by a false prophet and I lost my keys.

I want a blue pea coat... Cobalt not Navy.

"If you aren't the proud owner of a penis, I will crane kick you in the vagina instead."

There has to be beautiful people so the ugly people have someone to follow. It's all part of God's plan.

I'm so nauseated and so tired and can't sleep. Why?

Dude! So dorky, yet so awesome. Goonies on the Spanish channel.

I want Just Dance: Broadway for Wii.

My house smells amazing thanks to my mother's chocolate-cinnamon sheet cake recipe. Sorry ladies, can't share this one.

At steve's going away party and watching Totally Naked Aerobics. Good times.

Let's go Colts!!

My new name is BumbleBee Batman!!!

QOTN: If they served strawberry beignets at the psych ward, I probably would have stayed

Good news everyone. Josh is home

First the birds in Arkansas and Louisiana drop dead. Now 40,000 dead crabs in the UK. Is anyone feeling a bit worried? Just me? Conspiracy nut, party of me.

Um... I was told there was to be punch and pie here...

QOTN: if we switched brains there would not be much difference. Except you'd wear my bra and I'd have no underwear on.

To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

How bored am I? I watched parts of Demolition Man. Voluntarily.

Holy Crap. I think I have cauliflower ear. Just had a 2 hour conversation (with an AWESOME friend) that was about nothing. Loved it!

I am an official focus group payee.

Sweet. I'll be out of contact until 6pm. See you later.

I can' wait for Rango. Just watched some behind the scenes footage and it looks awesome.

Joe's rules are simple: Count money twice, keep my hands off his beer, cigars and drum sticks. A responsibility like this requires the obedience of a saint.

What are you doing tonight?

Back to school. Back to school. To prove to dad that I'm no fool.

Dear Hollywood and the like. My wish for 2011 is that you stop talking and printing mindless drivel on the Kardashians, Lohan, Fox, and everyone else. Let's focus on the important issues like freedom and life!

Ack! Ack! I can't believe how young Jack Black was when Mars Attacks was filmed.

Stupid snow. Go away

Dexter season 2 - oh how you disappoint.

I have decided there are two types of friends: the ones you think you can count on the ones you actually can count on. Which one are you?

QOTN: I don't like that Rita character, she's such a downer. I don't care if she was raped repeatedly, she needs to cheer up.

Dexter and ice cream. Who wants to join?

Score. I just made the best French Onion Chicken in my crock pot. My taste-buds are drooling.

So, I started 2011 - stone sober. A step up from last year. Step one is the hardest but the rest will fall into place. I love you, all.

Snake. Snake. One more button undone. Next week I'll be a lousy liar. Next week I'll tell you when you move me.

200 Cigarettes. I love this movie. Paul Rudd is right; everyone is depressed on New Year's.