Random Shit & Funny/awkward status…statuses…statusis… Statii?
April 4, 2014 at 10:41pmJust took a trip down the path of yesteryear and while on the crazy train I met up with some old musings, thoughts, and important PSAs..
Pearls of Wisdom from Jules to you:
• Liars create cryers
• Secrets don't make friends
• Fuck your face - in a painful bad way
• Of all the Jules Sparks in the world, I'm the Jules Sparksiest.
• Cram it up your cram hole, scabby dickbag. I hate scummy asshats.
• I'm socially awkward and single to prove it.
• Potato. Potahtoe. Go fuck yerself
• Ha. I'm going to start The Erotic Heretic Museum.
• Can't choose which is more awkward: the fact I googled "Alice Cooper Sexy" or that one of the image results was a pink vibrator?
• "I am pretty ethnic. I like things that black people like, too." ha ha ha ha
• I am at the point where I am not sure if I should Thank You or punch you in your fucking face.... yay Tuesday.
• That sad & awkward moment when you realize you will never have a love like Hawkgirl & Green Lantern.
• Science is my favorite kind of magic!!
• "Are you sure he meant to roofie you? I mean, there were probably a lot of girls there."
• I can't promise to fix all your problems I can promise you won't have to face them all alone.
• In life, there are people we: love, despise, pity, help, wish loved us, wish we didn't love, overlook, idolize, like, envy, can't live without. All of you fit one of these...enjoy.
• I can't stop talking like Lumpy Space Princess, so, yeah, I sound like I'm a constipated drag queen from the valley.
• Set fires or blow shit up. We don't know the outcome of this experiment.
• Holy crap. TARDIS Pig would have so much bacon.
• So the newest California tourist promo commercial is supposed to lead me to believe that Kim Kardashian is reading a book on Quantum Physics. Or that she even knows how to read.
• "A good cartoon should always make you question your sexuality." Movie Musings
• Let's all walk majestically through the Herman hole.
• Like when I squeal and fall out of my chair or get an odd case of over-stimulation Tourette's.
• Suffice to say, I'm not a fan of any of the words comin' out yo mouth.
• So many decisions to make: do I prep my drugs with my Health Insurance card or my Sheriff's Card? Fuck it, I am just going to shoot up.
• I have not had enough alcohol to bite my tongue and ignore the words coming out of your mouth. I've rolled my eyes so much, they are stuck.
• I'm the best version of me when I'm alone and working. Too bad no one gets to meet her.
• Today's PSA - do not eat a rice krispie treat and rockstar for breakfast. I need an adult and a valium.
• Again, I face the classic Irishman dilemma. Do I eat the potato now or do I wait for it to turn to vodka and drink it?
• People frustrate me and I hate putting my trust in anyone. I've lost faith in many of you so be prepared when I belt you in the gob.
• "when I first moved to Vegas I saw a lot of albino black people. I thought it was a convention."
• Goodnight and fuck all.
• Some people need to accept that their babies are ugly and will grow up ugly.
• "I mean, if you were 'Soups & Cunts' then I would expect your cakes to be store bought since you are selling soup...and cunts."
• I want to live in a world created from the personalities of Jonathan Coulton, Jason Mraz, Gavin DeGraw, Jack Johnson, & Garfunkel & Oates
• I need to work on my poker face, well - my everyday feigning interest face. Tawney is right, I can't hide anything. Last night some dude was talking to me and he stopped to asked why I kept making this face. Then asked if I had Tourette's or OCD.
• Bah-hum-fuck you
• Oh, Russell Crown, how I miss spending our nights together. You, behind the bar, watching me lose money; me drunk and awkward.
• And then I asked, "Why?", and in that second I regret allowing the words to escape my lips. Longing to know the answer but secretly hoping you won't tell me the truth.
• I love frozen Ding Dongs.
• What's that you're drinking? A steaming, hot cup of pretense & a smug sense of self-importance? Hope you don't choke.
• Not all heartbreaks are from a lover. Mine breaks for friends more than anything.
• Sometimes I wish I knew, but mostly I wish I didn't have to guess.
• I am meant for something greater than all I have accomplished and given back. Keep your eyes peeled and ears open because this tornado of awesome and obscenity laced outbursts of rage will hit you like a freaking ninja and you won't be able to anything but submit and go along for the ride. Who is coming with me?
• It was pointed out to me that it's a good thing I don't watch chick flicks since I tear up and get all emotional watching super hero movies.
• Is "crack whore" an all-encompassing term? Or are there acid whores, pot whores, wine cooler whores, etc...?
• Sometimes a demon exorcism and a really good orgasm look the same.
• Holy jeezy creezy, I'm even crying at Superman's cartoon funeral. I have mental issues.
• QOTN - "Is she retarded? Yes, she is, like, super retarded."
• The nice words from your mouth are negated by the awfulness in your heart & soul.
• Shit son, love my brain. I can't remember to brush my teeth, sometimes forget my bra, BUT know every word to the Schoolhouse Rock songs I haven't heard in years.
• "What can I say, I'm a hummer". Yup, just said that to some guy... I need to stop talking one sentence earlier.
• This is all just horrible... My foot and leg are asleep with super tingly pins and needle sensations..... now I just got a charlie horse. Dildo Crapbaggins that smarts.
• Some days, YOU are this person to another. Could be anyone you pass on the street or a friend sitting next to you... One good person can remind you that the whole world can and possibly should be considered awesome.
• I think this is the best way to sum up all my bad luck. - I have the curse of meeting some awesome people at the worst times of their lives and it always makes me wonder what could have been if the tables were reversed.
• I think the "no sex" before marriage rule was brought forth by a man who was just terrible in bed and was dumped. He wanted to spare his fellow bad-in-bed friends the same embarrassment.
• "Hey. You should stick around; I get better looking the darker it gets". And she giggled and twirled her hair.
• I think it's time for me to stop being sad and go back to being awesome. I am ugly when I cry...
• Girly thought #636 - I miss having flowers delivered to me. Always a great surprise pick-me-up.
• I put on lipstick, perfume, and deodorant for this? I make bad choices.
• I'm creeped out FOR the chick next to me being hit on by dirty old man. And not the "endearing" come ons. The gross, nasty, descriptive sex ones.
• I love my job. Using the term batwings in a totally appropriate product description makes me giggle.
• For someone so perceptive, you can't even see what is going on.
• "Yay! Alex found his whip." Things said in my living room that are completely normal but sound kinky.
• I want to nut punch or twat kick the person responsible for coining the term "hashtag". DON'T SAY IT IN CONVERSATION.
• The bigger the hair, the smaller the math skills!
• The pussification of 'Merica has taken a ginormous turn toward the stupid.
• You know what I find awesome? When people have to tell everyone how amazing they are and seriously try to be humble... it's like that time I saved all those orphaned cats that were in the schoolhouse fire with the homeless pigeons.
• **Can't remember where this originated** I am like a really confident old broad, comfortable in her own skin. I am loud and funny. And while nothing about me is perfect, everything about this old dame is pretty great.
• I thought I had no more tears left, until Grey's Anatomy came on... Holy Shit. I need professional help. - Professional = bartender, drug dealer, shady pharmacist.
• Look out for #1! My new outlook for self-preservation. So, in the immortal words of Kurt Cobain, "If you ever need anything, please, don't hesitate to ask someone else first."
• Beware of sweet words, lies come in all sizes of candy-coated delights. Deception hidden behind that smile. One day I'll learn. But not now.
• Things I wish was: 1) a little bit taller 2) a baller
• Take me or leave me but know these things.... I drink, I swear, I make bad jokes and worst decisions. I hate to work out, I love to cook, sometimes I want potato chips for dinner. Lots of times I don't care to talk to you, but I still love you. I am selfish and opinionated, I will bend over backward to help and offer you the shirt off my back - even if it is my favorite and you think it hideous. You can say what you want about me but do it to me not behind me. My soul is pure but my thoughts are dirty. I'm brilliant but not bright, and my smile can make you forget why you are mad - at me or the world. I am someone's first choice and will not forget that…
